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The Penis Pump Judge

The Penis Pump Judge is back in the news again, now that his own trial has come up and he’s being formally charged for playing with himself and pumping up his manhood while on the bench. (Read the details at The Smoking Gun.) What the hell? Was this some kind of dare or prank, like the guy who took Viagra in church, or is this guy just a perv who happens to be in a position of power?

In case you missed this remarkable tale of judicial bad judgment the first time around, last June Judge Donald Thompson of Creek County District Court, Oklahoma, was caught, uh, red-handed while using a penis pump during a trial. Two court employees testified that they saw Judge Thompson “attach the pump to his penis” while five jurors in the trial said they heard “whooshing sounds” like a blood pressure cuff coming from under the judge’s robes. The full complaint against the judge also alleged that he oiled and shaved his genitals and masturbated during trials. After looking under his desk and in his wastebasket (yuck) investigators found semen and urine (double yuck) that matched the judge’s DNA sample.

People always jokingly speculate about what goes on under those long black judge robes, but this real-life case puts the worst of the jokes to shame. You have to wonder what he’d have tried to get away with if he hadn’t gotten caught. Maybe sneaking a blow up doll under there with him – or, hell, why not just a cute court reporter?

You’ve also got to wonder “What on earth was he thinking?” Who brings their penis pump to the office? (He claimed it was a gag gift…right.) Was he trying to let off some steam, or relieve the boredom of a docket full of domestic violence cases and drug offenses? Who knows, maybe if more of us used sex toys at work, we’d be more productive. Maybe companies should be issuing vibrating dildos along with pens and paper clips. As long as you don’t get too noisy, cubicles can provide enough privacy. But most people who masturbate at work prefer to do it in the bathroom.

For a judge, it seems kind of negligent and disrespectful to be pulling your pud while people’s lives hang in the balance. Did he let some offenders off light if he managed to get off during their trial; did he give you a tougher sentence if he couldn’t get it up? But the incident also begs the question, are there other government officials or public servants indulging their private kinks under our noses, on the people’s time? The next time you see a police officer , can you help but wonder what might be under the uniform – panties perhaps? Or that conservative senator – surely a butt plug would explain his pinched expression and dour demeanor. Imagine the Secretary of State with a Jackrabbit Vibrator or the Commander in Chief with a cock ring.

At any rate, we can’t wait till “Law & Order” rips this story from the headlines and builds an episode around it. We recommend casting Ron Jeremy in the starring role. He doesn’t resemble the real life judge in the least, but his penis should be perfect for the part.

 


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