Top 10 Most Unromantic
Sex Toys
Shopping for an erotic gift for your Valentine? You might want to avoid these
mood-killers.
1. Anal Douche
Besides the unlyrical juxtaposition of the words "anal" and "douche", this sends the wrong message to your sweetheart. Your girlfriend wants you to believe that she shits glitter, ice cream, and pink cotton candy, not that her ass is full of nasty crud that needs to be flushed out. Oh, excuse me - full of delicious fudge ripple.
2. "The Fist"
Wrong. Just wrong. Unless one of you happens to need a prosthetic limb.
3. Glow-in-the-Dark Speculum
Open wide - it's time for your annual pelvic exam! What women doesn't get turned on at the thought of a Pap smear and STD screening? As for the glow-in-the dark part? We have no idea, but it is dark up there, after all.
4. 25K Vibro-Ring
Thinking of popping the question? Your girlfriend wants a diamond ring, trust us - not this hunk of blinking, vibrating plastic. If you have no plans to propose to her, don't even get this as a joke and risk having the subject of matrimony come up. The conversation that follows will not be funny, or sexy.
5. "The Accomodator"
Possibly the most unflattering piece of sexual equipment ever invented. You'll never look at your beloved the same way again once you see them wearing this face-mounted dildo harness. In fact, you may never be able to look them in the face again, period.
6. Oral Sex Head Light
Cunnilingus skills leave something to be desired? Maybe it's just too dark to see what you're doing down there. The fact that you look like you're wearing a crappy phone headset while shining a light in her cooch shouldn't be a turn-off. If this thing doesn't improve your pussy-eating ability, try it for bedtime reading. Or use it with the glow-in-the-dark speculum and help her locate that tampon that went missing during her last period.
7. "Balls Deep" Dildo
Unless your wife is a die-hard Red Sox fan with a baseball diamond tattooed on her ass cheek, she probably won't fully appreciate this bat-shaped dildo with balls shaped like, yes, baseballs. If you strike out in the bedroom, take it to the next Yankees game and see if you can get A-Rod to autograph it for you.
8. "Ass Bass" Butt Plug
Who hasn't wanted to insert a whole fish into their rectum? Now you can live the dream, without the fishy odor. Also sings "Don't Worry, Be Happy" when you stick it up your butt.
9. The Man Rammer
Dildo or blunt trauma weapon? This huge dildo with a hand grip lets you put some muscle behind it. Whip it out and your lover won't know if you're going to boink them into the next county or bludgeon them into unconsciousness. Get two and you can play light sabers.
10. "Clifford" Canine Replica Dildo
If you fantasize about doing it (or watching someone do it) with the neighbor's Doberman, you should probably keep that to yourself. If you fantasize about being the neighbor's Doberman - well, there are conventions for people like you.
